Tuesday, January 10

Ode To China Buffet

Oh, China Buffet, How I Love Thee.

Where else can I dine on fried prawn phlegm, oyster plum sperm, and shag carpet broccoli?

Where else can I play Guess the Beast You're Eating? Is it pork? Is it penguin? Is it zebra? Is it pork-in-bra?

Where else can I enjoy a pot of hot green tea disguised as a broken vessel of lukewarm tan pond water?

Where else can I stand in line next to a woman whose butt is bigger than her car, and whose chest is bigger than her butt? And whose plate of food is bigger than all three?

Where else can I dodge small foreign children on the floor playing with chicken bones?

Where else can I see the entire state of West Virginia celebrate a wedding rehearsal dinner?

Where else can kimono dolls, sushi, and tempura be considered Chinese?

Where else can ambient music be that special muzak rendition of Staind's cover of Air Supply's Beer Barrel Polka, as interpreted by the Inuit?

Where else can I crack open dessert and find my fortune, which reads "Behind an able man, there are always."?

Oh, yes, China Buffet, How I Love Thee.

p.s. Thanks for the food poisoning.


Venessa said...

Looks like Italian tonight. :)

Erica said...

Don't forget the tea crone, ever present to top your glass off if it dips below the rim by more than 2mm. I believe the restaurant owners (her browbeaten middle son and ungrateful and disrespectful daughter-in-law) must beat the soles of her feet savagely if she fails in her responsibility, so diligent is she.

Of course, if you have not had the pleasure of being waited on by the tea crone... then disregard this message. But watch for her next time! Sip - fill! Sip - fill! She is literally unstoppable.

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KOM said...

Thank you for pointing that out - we have commercials for a local "chinese" buffet, and the whole ad shows sushi rolls. If I show up, will it actually be a mongolian bbq? Or a taco bell?

I work next door to a Chinese place that's worse than a Panda Express (if you don't have one of these, they're basically stir-fry fast-food). Still, I find myself thinking a couple of times a month that even bad chinese is better than no chinese.

Anonymous said...

We live in a city where there is, like, one chinese restaurant per each four people. The upside of this is that we have found one or two excellent places. The downside is, the restaurants will continue to reproduce at their tribble-like rate, and eventually our city will be annexed as a commonwealth of China.

circe said...

Don't forget the onion rings. Nothing says 'the Orient' to me like a hefty pile of fried onion rings....
good times...

Venessa said...

I've read this one, I've read your favorites. Time for more posts. Chop-chop. :)

Sherri said...

You know what's funny? No matter how many times I get sick on Chinese food I still want more. Give me Crab Rangoons anytime!