Tuesday, June 20

My Daughter Is Gonna Kill Me. Eventually.

My daughter didn't do so well in school this year. In fact, she did crapola. Coincidentally, she started that whole becoming a woman thing.

I read her the riot act about her schoolwork, then read it again, then screamed it, then placed a looped recording of my frothing rant under her bed, then branded her backside with a transcript of the lecture.

Then I grounded her for six weeks.

Then I bought some workbooks, some books to read, and drafted a lesson plan for the summer, complete with daily assigments in math, reading, and various other subjects, plus two five page book reports. I gave her one week's break for vacation with Mom to visit grandparents in California.

Yessir, I was one bad-assed, mother-fucking, pissed-off, don't-mess-with-me Dad.

She came back from vacation this week, and I checked her assignments. She hadn't done several before she left. I felt the heat rising in my face. I composed a stern countenance, ready to deliver the flaming tongue lashing of Bow Before Your Father and asked why it hadn't been done. Her response?

"Because I wan't feeling well and it was really hot and I had a fever and Mom bought me some pain reliever and I had bad headaches and we were getting ready to visit Grandma and I couldn't figure out the computer and I started my period and it lasted SIX DAYS!"

Thirteen years old, and she had already learned to play the monthly female trump card with a scowl and tone and stance that made everything with a Y chromosome go limp, hide shivering under the blankets, and beg forgiveness for something that wasn't his fault.

And my response? As don't take no crap head of household alpha male absolute ruler lord and master I said

"Uh . . . . . . . . . . . okay."


Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

She should be getting all A's man, she sounds smart to me.

Well played Princessfisher...well played.

Shari said...


You are such a sucka!


Erica said...

You have spawned this clever girl. It's hard to be proud of them when you want to smack them, but it sounds like she'll do just fine.

Can I borrow your looped recording for my burgeoning third-grader? Does it bode ill for me that I'm where you are now, FIVE YEARS TOO SOON??? (Except for that menstruating thing, of course. Being that he's a boy and hasn't sprung THAT excuse on me. Yet.)

tiff said...

Right answer!!!

But just for now - she doesn't get that trump but once a month.

jazz bird said...

The riot act never worked on me, either. It had the opposite effect, in fact, and only made it worse. I'm sure you'll find the right approach. I'm betting the acorn hasn't fallen too far from the tree in the brightness category, just a matter of figuring out how to get her excited about it.

Oooh, she's found the excuse button, though- ouch. I never got to use that one. We were an all-female house by the time it applied.

anika said...

Oooooh she's learning it early! Good on 'er!