Saturday, July 1

In Praise Of Male

Some things are inherently male. Females can participate, but they will always be second place in certain areas of the Alpha Male life. The following are some I fervently believe are the sole province of Manliness.

Holding the door
Courtesy. Compassion. First to arrive and scope things out. Watching out for the tribe. When the progressive lesbiatch scowls at your denigrating of her abilities, hold it longer and smile wider.

Tolerance
But we will still laugh at the lisping gay guy.

Corkscrews
Not the lever type. Not the butterfly type. Not the civil engineering behemoth mounted to the bar type. No. Only the simple single helix, Swiss army knife type. Used to open your lover's bottle of wine with strength, finesse, and libido.

Fart jokes
Like The Three Stooges. Timeless. Classic. Always funny.

Tampons
We want to DIE. But we bought them. We love you.

Uncoordinated dork dance
We only dance because you want us to. Unless it involves a bonfire, animal skins, bragging rights, and outright lies.

Crying
At sunsets. And movies. And weddings. And babies. But you won't see it, even though we know you do.

Wrong
We always are. But screw you. We will not admit it. It ain't fair, but we need every advantage we can get.

Women’s sports
Oxymoron. Unless it involves swimwear.

Toilet paper
Ladies, you can cut yourself while shaving your legs. But only a man has the courage to look you in the eye with new scabs and toilet paper pieces on his face.

Flowers
The greatest concealed ulterior motive, and the one thing women haven't caught on to. Nothing says "I (love you) wanna get in your pants" like the reproductive organs of a plant. Slam dunk.

Floorplay
Under dogs and toddlers. Sorry, girls. Every child will remember this.

Firewood
I cut it. I split it. I hauled it. I stacked it. I burned it. You're welcome.

Battle of the sexes
Throw us a bone. We pretend there is a battle because we knew the war was lost when we dropped out of the trees. See: Helen, Cleopatra, Elizabeth I, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Xaviera Hollander.

The Bryan Adams lyric
"When you can see your unborn children in her eyes,
Then you know you really love a woman."

5 comments:

Erica said...

Okay, this is a pithy post (that was NOT homage to your lisping gay man, the word is PITHY!!! but you knew that, just had to clarify) - partly sensitive, partly funny, all quite clever.

I bow to you, He Who Can Juxtapose a Reference that Includes Eleanor Roosevelt and Xaviera Hollander.

And this - my husband would die laughing at the Bryan Adams lyric. "Here's a towel - I love you." THAT'S love.

Shari said...

What?!!

Flowers as an ulterior motive?!!!

Damn....

KOM said...

Nearly perfect - I'm going to bookmark this post. I know it will be useful sometime, somehow.

And the dork dance? I've danced twice in my life - prom and my wedding. Both times, only because I was in love.

cutemama said...

The next time my BigHubby looks me in the eye with TP on his face, I'm gonna make out with him just because of this post!

www.carolinascoffeebreak.blogspot.com

tiff said...

But, but, the captain's knife is the ONLY way I can a bottle open!!

Wah! I have to give that UP? No. Fair.

Love this post too. Man, you're good.