Sunday, October 22

Kingfisher Days

9:00 a.m. - Ask HR when my final check will be ready. Says she forgot it was my last day.
9:10 a.m. - First expected visit of well-wishing by a co-worker hasn't happened.
9:12 a.m. - Nothing to do. Ask boss if he needs anything. He says "Oh, yeah. Last day, huh?"
9:55 a.m. - Finish the Excel file formulas and links for the boss that he asked be completed by the end of the day.
9:57 a.m. - First co-worker visit. It's the boss's boss, commanding me to let him know when the Excel file is finished. Tell him it's already done and e-mailed to boss. He looks surprised. No well wishing.

10:00 a.m. - Bored bored bored. Spend an hour playing games on the internet.
11:00 a.m. - Boss doesn't know where check is. Still no well wishers.
12:00 p.m. - Still playing games. Still no check. Still no well-wishers.
12:30 p.m. - Boss delivers check. No handshake. Still no well wishers.
12:32 p.m. - Leave a scrolling screen saver in big bright red letters "Welcome To The Clique - - - No Men Allowed"

12:35 p.m. - Check deposited, wallet full of money.
1:15 p.m. - Sipping the first ice cold beer of freedom at Buffalo Wild Wings.
7:00 p.m. - Finish nth ice cold beer of freedom after lurking on the web, watching sports, playing trivia and accepting congratulations from drinking acquaintances, and bartender friends who give me free beer.
7:15 p.m. - At home lounging on the bed.
7:30 p.m. - The Simpsons is on!
8:00 p.m. - Spongebob Squarepants is on!
8:30 p.m. - Brother in law arrives from California for visit.
10:30 p.m. - Futurama is on!

2:17 a.m. - Dumb kitty scratches at the bedroom window to be let in. When did I fall asleep?
2:32 a.m. - Insane kitty starts a spit fight with dumb kitty.
2:45 a.m. - Girl kitty meows at the door to be let in.
2:46 a.m. - Dumb kitty meows at the door to be let out.
2:47 a.m. - I hate cats.
3:00 a.m. - Anime Title I Can't Remember is on!
6:30 a.m. - Wife and kids get up for school. Turn over and go back to sleep.
7:10 a.m. - Sun peeks throught the window. Notice I left the lights on in the 125 gallon aquarium. 8 shiny silver fishies begin swimming back and forth.
silver dollar
8:50 a.m. - Kiss from the wife wakes me up. She's off to work.
9:30 a.m. - Wake up again. Still 8 fishies.
10:00 a.m. - Crummy Western Movie is on!
10:03 a.m. - Meow.
1:00 p.m. - Thirsty.
1:15 p.m. - Buy a box of Macanudo cigarillos.
1:30 p.m. - Sipping nth+1 ice cold beer of freedom at Buffalo Wild Wings.
1:31 p.m. - Light up first incense cigar of freedom.
6:30 p.m. - Pack up laptop. Done with catching up with blog friends, planning future vacations, and working on budget with new job. Take last gulp of nth+n ice cold beer of freedom.
7:00 p.m. - Hello to family, talk with bro-in-law, plan tomorrow with wife. Simpsons, Spongebob, Discovery Channel, Futurama, and zzzzzzzzz.

2:17 a.m. - Stupid cats.
2:18 a.m. - Goddamn cats.
2:19 a.m. - Fucking cats.
2:30 a.m. - Anime.
6:20 a.m. - Wife wakes us all up. Kids prepare for school. Wife, bro-in-law, oldest son, and I prepare for Annual Big Mondo Church Rummage Sale.
7:00 a.m. - Waiting in line for rummage sale. Wife didn't tell me it opens at 8:00. No coffee being served.
7:10 a.m. - Joking with son and BIL. We giggle because Christ and a dove in the stained glass looks like he's choking a chicken. Ponder my first minute in Hell.
7:15 a.m. - Beautiful autumn small town morning. Except no coffee.
7:30 a.m. - Daughter calls. Missed the bus. Again. Can't get to her in time, so she stays home awaiting our return and her impending doom.
7:45 a.m. - Where's the friggin' coffee?
8:00 a.m. - Cattle call. Church grounds are flooded with greedy collectors and yard salers.
8:15 a.m. - The desk I saw isn't what I want. The chest I want has a sold sign on it. The toys are crap.
8:16 a.m. - Want to yell "Jesus Christ, Where the hell is the goddamn coffee!?" Remember it is a church rummage sale. Ponder my second minute in hell.
8:33 a.m. - Load up the car with our meager plunder. Son eyes my $2.00 grey wool blanket with envy. Says it will make a great cloak for Ren Faires. Invoke the Finders Keepers rule.
8:34 a.m. - Give son the blanket.
9:00 a.m. - Wife's awesome direction skills causes multiple u-turns and lane changes finding the first yard sale of the day.
9:10 a.m. - First yard sale has nothing. Tease son I wish I could find a nice wool blanket for my studio. He offers to give it back. Assure him I'm just kidding.
9:11 a.m. - Announce my wish to find a nice wool blanket at the next yard sale. They're hard to find y'know. Son looks guilty.
9:30 a.m. - Second yard sale has not much.
9:40 a.m. - Third yard sale. Drive by.
9:50 a.m. - Bingo! Fourth yard sale scores a cute dining table and four chairs for $40. Assorted other trinkets seal the deal. Ask loudly if they have any wool blankets.
9:51 a.m. - Back in the car. Son offers to give blanket back. Wife says "ignore your father."
10:50 a.m. - Back home. Parents scold daughter and confine her to her room. Daughter dons the "You always hated me!" expression of a 13-year-old girl.
10:52 a.m. - Set up table and chairs. Say how good it would look with a wool blanket table cloth. Son says "Shutup, Dad." Offer him $5.00 for the blanket.
10:58 a.m. - Coffee!
11:00 a.m. - In the back yard. Cool warm sunshine. Lots of flowers. A hummingbird. Stand in recently completed studio. Smells like fresh-cut wood.
11:15 a.m. - Four hours of video games, conversation, and lunch.
3:45 p.m. - In the bedroom to change for evening with brother S. Still 8 fishies.
4:00 p.m. - Take first sip of 2n+1 ice cold beer of freedom at Buffalo Wild Wings.
4:01 p.m. - Light up 8th and last incense cigar of freedom.
4:30 p.m. - Brother S arrives.
4:31 p.m. - Begin guy talk of new girlfriend, new job, and the rack on the girl at the end of the bar.
6:00 p.m. - Trivia sucks. Only we are playing. Bar change!
6:30 p.m. - $&!#%*F road construction. Finally arrive at Bar 2. Brother already got a beer and trivia box.
6: 32 p.m. - Beer tastes funny. Drink it anyway.
6:33 p.m. - Guy talk about family, future plans, and the rack on the girl at the end of the bar.
7:15 p.m. - Trivia, customers, and beer sucks. Bar change!
7:30 p.m. - Bar 3. Better beer, but no trivia.
7:31 p.m. - Bartender recognizes us. I haven't recognized her because the low cut of her shirt allows her cleavage to create its own gravity well.
7:32 p.m. - She worked at Bar 2 bar before it changed owners. Great bartender. We found the right place.
7:33 p.m. - We ponder shooting pool.
8:01 p.m. - We forget about pondering shooting pool.
8:30 p.m. - Guy talk about, um, stuff and other stuff, and the rack on the bartender.
9:00 p.m. - Think we've had enough. Finish 2n+? ice cold beer of freedom.
9:30 p.m. - Home and hungry. Score leftover meatloaf and potatoes. Mmmmmm.
9:45 p.m. - Get into t-shirt and lounge pants for bed. Still 8 fishies. I think. Maybe 10. 12?
10:00 p.m. - Wife comes home from outing with BIL. "You're home early." Yup.
10:01 p.m. - zzzzzzzzzz.

2:17 a.m. - I really hate cats.
2:18 a.m. - Yes, there really are 8 fishies.
2:45 a.m. - Stomach hurts. Knew that one beer was bad.
3:00 a.m. - Please no food poisoning...
3:15 a.m. - Force myself to sleep.
7:00 p.m. - Sun peeks through the window. Wow, I feel better.
7:01 p.m. - Enjoy the early morning quiet and the wife's closeness.
7:30 a.m. - Wife and I play our favorite game, Hide the Hot Dog. We both win.
weiner mobile
8:00 a.m. - Everybody gets ready for Saturday outings.
8:01 a.m. - Go back to sleep.
8:29 a.m. - Blaze the greyhound jumps into bed to cuddle with Daddy.
8:30 a.m. - Crummy Western Movie is on!
10:00 a.m. - Semi-Crummy Western Movie is on!
12:00 p.m. - Blaze jumps off the bed and stretches. Time to get up.
12:30 p.m. - Score 2 meatloaf sandwiches. Enjoy the flavor of home, love, and happiness.
1:30 p.m. - Sip 3n+1 ice cold beer of freedom at Buffalo Wild Wings.
4:30 p.m. - Good day of writing, and goofing on the internet. Finish 3n+6 ice cold beer of freedom.
4:45 p.m. - Younger son shows off almost-finished Halloween costume, Mario from Nintendo. It's perfect and freaking funny.
5:20 p.m. - Yum! Dinner of tacos on our new table and chairs!
5:55 p.m. - Where's the antacid?
9:58 p.m. - A whole buncha nuthin. TV, talk, video games, cold autumn seeping in.
9:59 p.m. - Inform son that it sure would be nice to have a warm wool blanket.
10:00 p.m. - Futurama is on.
10:30 p.m. - Futurama is on again!
11:00 p.m. - Snooze through two hours of cartoons.


2:17 a.m. - I am gonna kill me some cats.
6:30 a.m. - Wake up to the sound of wife banging dishes in the kitchen.
6:31 a.m. - Still 8 fishies. Go back to sleep.
8:00 a.m. - Wife wakes me up.
8:01 a.m. - Round 2 of Hide the Hot Dog. Score still tied.
8:30 a.m. - Coffee with the wife on the couch. Watch gardening shows.
9:30 a.m. - BIL and kids shuffle out one by one. Mornings are funny.
9:31 a.m. - Son crunches on Corn Flakes. Tell him I was really cold last night. Could've used a wool blanket.
9:31:30 a.m. - Son's eyes give me the finger.
10:00 a.m. - Wife, BIL and kids go out for the day. Halloween costumes need to be finished.
10:15 a.m. - Hot coffee of freedom at Buffalo Wild Wings.
10:30 a.m. - Remember that the 49ers have a bye week. Realize they will probably lose anyway.
12:00 p.m. - First of the last ice cold beers of freedom.
1:00 p.m. - Start of afternoon football games.
Now O'clock: Looking forward to starting new job tomorrow. Not sure what's in store for the rest of today. But I'm pretty sure I'd like to play Hide the Hot Dog again.



rennratt said...

I love Buffalo Wild Wings. I also love their trivia.

Best thoughts for your first day!

Squishi said...

Your Creatures are dying. At least send them off to the wild :<


Erica said...

Still 8 fishies? I kept waiting for some mishap, possibly cat-related, that would result in "5 fishies left".

Not that I WISHED for that or anything.

Sorry for the lack of send-off at the last job. Bastards. They're just too broken up to talk, really. Imagine all the talking about you they'll be doing now that you're gone.

Hope the new job is a dream! A good one that's real, I mean.

And thanks for the peek at your life - truly fascinating!

tiff said...

Mmm, ice-cold beers of freedom.

So, in hide the hot dog, is the point to, um, find it, or what? What happens if YOU hide it and she can't find it? What then? Do YOU win?

Anonymous said...

Your post really made my day yesterday.

Congratulations on the job change! it sounds like things can only get better from your last job anyway.

And I love reading through the comments on this site, too. They're almost as good as the post itself.

My neighbor unwittingly found a way to reduce the number of fishies in the aquarium... it involves cleaning the rubber plants with bleach, but doesn't involve rinsing them off very well. They were doing a real good backstroke within the hour.

Wordnerd said...

This post rocked. And I'll keep you company in hell!!!

Robyn said...

If you could only stay awake for another half hour The Family Guy comes on after Futurama. Totally worth it!

Now I want an ice cold beer. Yum.

Shari said...

I like that you both won.

That was the best part.

Bebti said...

Hilarious as usual.

Who is this Bro S. guy I keep hearing about? He sounds kinda cool...