Thursday, July 6

Morning According To Alex

When is he going to wake up? The sun came out two hours ago. I tried licking his face and wagging my tail real hard, but he still snores. I give up. I'll just lie down at the end of the bed. I am the only one who can be on the bed. Nickel is too fat and can't jump that high. Blaze is too big. It is too hot for her to be on the bed. Master kicked her off in the middle of the night. There she is on the floor. I peek over the side to let her know I am up here, and she is down there. Ha ha!

Mistress and the tall puppies are gone. I hope they come back. I like Master, but it's not the same without the whole pack. George went away a long time ago. I don't think he is coming back, so I have to be the big dog now. It is hard to be big without Mistress and the tall puppies. Blaze is a girl, and Nickel is stupid.

Finally the glowing box goes beep beep. I hate that sound. But not as much as Master. He hits the box and grumbles something. He does that every morning. I jump off the bed and lick his ankles, but Master pushes me with his foot and goes to the tinkle room. I wait by the door and sniff his alpha smell. Blaze stays on her blanket. Nickel is still stupid. Then Master stands under the water in the tinkle room. I don't know why he does that every morning before he goes away. It makes him smell like not-Master, and more like the bowls that come out of the growling box in the kitchen.

He stops standing under the water, and I bark bark bark to let him know I am ready. Master walks down the hall. He says "Doggies go potty?" I yarp at Blaze and Nickel to let Master know that I am helping. He opens the door and Blaze jumps all goofy. She is big and weird. Her legs are too long, and her nose too big, so she cannot be happy properly. I yarp at her to go to the gate where we have our outside tinkle room. Nickel waddles in the opposite direction. Master yells "Nickel! gmmpblltupflerrrrpotty!" I yarp at Nickel to tell him to go to the gate. I am helping.

Master opens the gate. Blaze and Nickel go in. I run to where Nickel wanted to go, just to make sure everything is okay. Master yells at me. I know I am supposed to go potty now, but there is a perfectly good dead bird in the garden that Master hasn't found. The smells of spiders and ground squirrels and cats from night time are everywhere. As the big dog, I have to check them, but Master keeps yelling. Sometimes he is as dumb as Nickel. I go to our outside tinkle room and sniff the puddles left by Blaze and Nickel. I tinkle on them to let them know that I am big dog. Master calls us back inside the house.

Blaze jumps on the couch. Nickel eats next to the growling box. Crunch crunch crunch. He is hungry and fat and loud. Master spends time in the sleeping room doing Master things with the teeth stick and skin coverings and smelly stuff and shoes. I don't play with his shoes any more. They smell really good, but Mistress got mad at me. I lie down under the front room table and wait.

Master comes down the hall, picks up the bag he always takes when he goes away during the day, and jangles his keys. It is time for him to go. He opens the door. The day smells wonderful! Sunshine and cars and grass and many many unsniffed things. Master is slow this morning, so run between his legs and dash outside. Freedom!

Master yellgrunts "ALEX!" but I don't hear "toy" or "potty" or "good," so it must not be important. I have to listen and sniff and - OH! A rock! I have to tinkle on that! *spritz*

I run down the street. Master is screaming - OH! A tree! *spritz*

Tire! *spritz*

Grass! *spritz*

Bicycle! *spritz*

Wall! *spritz*

Hose! *spritz*

Mailbox! *spritz*

Birdbath! *spritz*

Molecule! *spritz*

I am so busy sniffing things to tinkle on that Master pounces on me. He carries me back to our house, mumblflubbing the whole way. His voice is nasty, but I don't know the words. He opens the door and throws me inside. Blaze is standing by the door, grinning. Nickel goes whooooorrlll. It is embarassing, but at least they were too dumb to follow. I am still the big dog.

After grumphing and pointing, Master leaves. He will be gone all day. I will be leader inside our house. I will lie down on the couch. I will sniff Blaze's girl parts, and shove Nickel into the corner. I hope Mistress and the tall puppies come home soon. I will drink from the bowl by the kitchen growling box.

Helping makes me thirsty.


Erica said...

I am not one to use shortcuts like "LOL" but I did, in fact, Laugh Out Loud reading this post. Obviously Alex has some big pawprints to fill, but he seems up to the task :-)

LOVE the growling box in the kitchen, and Alex's ecstasy at the many tinklable things - the spritzes getting ever smaller. I know how that is - eventually it becomes a token leg-lift but nothing's coming out.

Shari said...

The spritz thing is pure genius.

Robyn said...



I'm helping!

tiff said...

How do they have any time to sleep at ALL with all the helping that goes on?

This entry was genius.

Bebti said...

Run. run. run. wag. wag. wag. pant. pant. pant. chase. chase. chase. jump. jump. jump.


Inspect weird smell in the back corner of the yard.

Run. run. run. wag. wag. wag...

Gotta love Alex.