Saturday, July 15

Vocabular Exclusionism

"The contract had a buyout provision. The sum of all payments was greater than 85% of the basis value. It had a transfer of ownership clause. The idiot couln't tell me whether it was a capital or an operating lease. The monthly journal entries debited lease expense, offset to accounts payable or prepaids. I invoked Sarbanes-Oxley and nailed her to the internal control manifesto. Can you believe that?"

Are you impressed? I didn't think so. Some of it is GAAP (Generally Accepted Accounting Principles) and some of it is utter bullshit. I know the difference, and can pick out which is relevant and which is sarcasm. Do you care? Of course not. So why do so many idiots think we understand, much less care, about the esoteric language of their occupation? Listen up, boneheads. We don't understand and we don't care. It's as obvious as your lack of social skills that you are trying to feel superior. But you don't make us feel inferior. You make us feel annoyed. Get off your perceived intellectual pedestal and eat a heaping platter of steaming turd sausages. The following are some favorites deserving of a kick in the the dick.

Engineer: "The coriolus effect negated any possible quantum derivative of the universal constant. Given the hypothetic gravitational construct, probability theory dictates a null result."

Response: "I don't understand. Please shut up."

Military: "A PxF 54th grade presence warranted a pre-ballistic battalion response. Longitude-inlflicted altimeter strategy was the obvious result of air countermanded Grade 7 juxtapositional ground assault."

Response: "You don't understand. Please shut up."

Computer Nimrod: "CII FRAB is obsolete. Recog in CBQV search shows -0- clabber infrastructure. How does the relational thread recoup redundant vascillation?"

Response: "You're making shit up. PLEASE shut up."

Auto Mechanic: "_____sayanythingtheywon'tknowthedifference_____"

Response: None needed. High school drop out asshole. Makes more money than you will ever see. Fucker.

Construction Worker: "Dude! He retreated the backhoe without lifting the snarky bucket! So I had to flip the mudjoint and spot weld the fascia to a non-code k-value easement!"

Response: "Without a Union, you would be mucking out the septic tank of a debtor's prison. Fucker."

Cop/Firefighter: "stuff that no one can figure out because it's all coded with greek letters and roman numerals and colors and obscure dog breeds and GMT and metric/imperial/cubit analogs and bradbury metaphoric conversion."

Response: "YES SIR! Here is my driver's license, proof of insurance, social security number, blood type, shoe size, sperm count, DNA signature, and complete elementary school community college swinger club history. Fucker."

Airline Worker: "Welcome to Cattle Airlines. We know you have a choice placard in the seat in front of you emergency exit luggage shifts in transit I have a lanyard identification and you don't you are sitting in an emergency row have some crappy peanuts..............."

Response: "Drunken bastards up front and community theatre jaggoffs showing us how to use a seat belt. Worthless overblown fuckers. In the event of a water landing, you are fucked beyond all fuck."

Trucker: "I've seen more of this country than you. Quit driving your car in front of me. Nobody knows better food than I do. Strikkee's outside of Omaha. Try living off of 2 hours of sleep a night while hauling hogs from Charleston to Seattle and listening to Toby Keith the whole way. And the gubment is for the minorities."

Response: "You know the best gay blowjobs at the rest stop at exit 94 on I-69 east of Duluth."

Cancer Survivor: "hippie psychologist maudlin holier than thou take pity on me but I don't need your pity and you cannot understand blah blah blah count your blessings EVERYTHING in the universe revolves around breast testicle ovary pancreas lung shinbone ankle scalp cancer (ignore all of the other human ills) blah blah blah."

Response: "You know what? I don't have cancer. You think you are better than me. Shut the fuck up."

Kingfisher: "Damn, I'm good. Read my stuff!"

Response: "Drop dead from eating diseased shit, Kingfucker."


Mom said...

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!

Love, Mom

Kingfisher said...

And what does that mean???

I'll take that as a "shut the hell up, schmuck."

Shari said...

I like the snarky bucket part.


tiff said...

Man, if I did favorites of the day thing this would TOTALLY be on it. Dayum, funny.

Robyn said...

Oh God - I work with truckers. We have security codes on the doors so they can't get in!