Another Random Saturday

My wife's best friend moved away today. She lamented that she has no friends in town any more. It made me sad, because I haven't had a friend for 20 years or so. I'm not sure why. My 2 semi-lifelong bosom buddies and I drifted apart in our mid-twenties, and they have never been replaced. Oh, I have friendly people I know, and we know some personal details about each other. But there is no one over the last 2 decades that I can just call on the phone for help with a broken car, or watch football with every weekend, or plan a fishing trip, or go on combined family picnics. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm reasonably sure the fault lies with me.

The difference is: my wife is a wonderful person who will have little difficulty finding another friend.

* * * * *

Another little piece of my youth was swallowed by history with Jim McKay's death. I was never a rabid sports fan, but he was a staple of television in my younger days. Who could forget "The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat?" He WAS the Olympics, especially with the life changing 1972 Munich games, punctuated by his succinct and poignant coda "They're all gone." In an industry of testosterone, arrogance, and ego, he was a gentle man that made sports accessible to us non-jocks.

Goodbye, Jim. Everyone liked you, and that is rare.

* * * * *

Middle age is a capricious bitch. One day you are at the top of your game, the respected mentor. The next day you are the dismissed out-of-touch dork barraged by medical tests. It's aggravating in the extreme, but somehow the bitch gives you the resilience to ignore it all.

But she's still a bitch.

* * * * *

I love my new dog, Poppy. She occasionally succeeds in stealing a butter tub from the counter, or finds a stray remote control to chew, but she is sweet. She is affectionate, smart, and eager to please. She's learning, and LOVES Princessfisher and me. She's okay with Queenfisher. For once, the alpha female of the house is not the favorite.

That makes me laugh.

* * * * *

Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" was on the jukebox, and it really really really really really really really sucks the vomit hose.

If you like modern R&B/Rap/Hip Hop/Dance to the exclusion of all else, you are either to young to appreciate music or you are a fucking retard.

* * * * *

Right now I am in the mood for a Cobb salad with bleu cheese that would barely fit in the trunk of my car.

Pay attention to your cravings, they usually mean something. Even the "bad" ones.

* * * * *

Fireworks stands will go up soon. Cannot wait. Bonus: July 4 is on a Friday this year. My house will be beer and barbecue and blowing shit up central. I will get to use the word "punk" around my teenage son and his friends about 47 times.

If you don't understand the dual definition, your Independence Day party is gonna suck.

* * * * *

Hillary finally gave up. Shutup feminists. The majority of us have no problem with a female president. It was her entitlement attitude, even before her run for president, that turned many of us off. If you truly believe the national persona/focus/spirit will fundamentally change with a female in the White House, you are hopelessly naive. Politics is politics. Different players, same chess game.

BTW, "Clinton" re-arranged is "nonclit."

* * * * *

Gardening in the Mojave is one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced. So far, I've failed miserably at my favorites: cut flowers, vegetables, herbs, and succulents. My daughter has expressed an interest. Given her femaleness and her mother's gifts, I have no doubt she'll do better.

She better grow some damn good Roma tomatoes to overcome my jealousy.

* * * * *

I guess that's it for now. Go Big Brown!

(And by extension, Fuck you, PETA!)

Happy Hallmark Day

State Of Silliness

Alabama: Steadfast in our refusal to admit we lost
Alaska: We’re far away because you guys suck
Arizona: World’s biggest ditch
Arkansas: Turning away the winds of change
California: Dude. Seriously, bro. Come hang.
Colorado: Less square than Wyoming
Connecticut: 23 acres larger than Rhode Island!
Delaware: A state. Really.
Florida: Celebrating the superior intelligence of reptiles for 500 years
Georgia: Y'all tawk funny.
Hawaii: Our natives were raped last!
Idaho: More reclusive anarchists per square mile
Illinois: Visit the new Museum of Corruption (knock 3 times and say Al sent you)
Indiana: Slightly more than just basketball
Iowa: Guess that smell!
Kansas: Celebrate the genius of Toto leaving home
Kentucky: At least our abbreviation is interesting
Louisiana: Proudly ignoring elevation, gravity, and hydrodynamics
Maine: We’re not telling.
Maryland: A buttload o’ crabs and seafood, too!
Massachusetts: Just small enough to tell you what’s right
Michigan: Half the fun, but twice the state!
Minnesota: Go fish.
Mississippi: A river, a spelling quiz, a place

Missouri: Samuel Clemens changed his name for some reason
Montana: First Second Third Fourth in area!
Nebraska: Corn – Nature’s poopie joke
Nevada: Bring your dreams. Trust us.
New Hampshire: First in voting and…uh...
New Jersey: Almost as obnoxious as New York
New Mexico: No habla Ingles
New York: What are you lookin' at?
North Carolina: North of South Carolina, east of West Virginia. Ok, we’re lost.
North Dakota: 1.3% less ice than Canada!
Ohio: Land of Crapportunity
Oklahoma: Come for the bison, stay for the buffalo
Oregon: Get out.
Pennsylvania: Independence Hell
Rhode Island: Turn right at Connecticut
South Carolina: The Bermuda Triangle of America
South Dakota: At least we’re not North Dakota
Tennessee: As seen on CMT
Texas: Where everything is big except smart
Utah: The only state without a Starbuck's!
Vermont: One of the original 14 colonies
Virginia: Presidents used to be born here
Washington: Not D.C. The other one.
West Virginia: Dentists wanted
Wisconsin: Nine billion cows can’t be wrong!
Wyoming: Playing cowboys and indians since 1875

Fun With The News

I used to enjoy doing this until Tiff started doing it better, but just too much good stuff lately.

R. Kelly Misses Court Date in Chicago
Shocking. Next you'll tell me Pam is getting divorced.

Pamela Anderson Files for Divorce
Shocking. Next you'll tell me Amy Winehouse got arrested.

Amy Winehouse Arrested in Husband Case
Shocking. Next you'll tell me a Spears family member is an idiot.

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant at 16
Oh, I give up.

Swiss, EBay Stop Sale of Iraqi Treasure
Overestimated the value of scrap metal and camel dung.

Congress Challenges Bush Over CIA Tapes
Protests erasure of money shot.

Romney Aligns Himself With Bush in Iowa
In preparation for make-up money shot.

Giant Rat Discovered in Indonesia Jungle
Later identified as Jerry Falwell in hiding.

T.O. to Jessica Simpson: Stay Away
Apparently, T.O. is unable to tolerate anyone prettier than him.

Tequila Finds Love on MTV Dating Show

Conversely, MTV dating show contestants find love on tequila.

Osborne to Remain Nebraska AD Until 2010
Sharon blames Ozzie's extended attention-deficit on retarded kids.

WHO Urges Vigilance As Bird Flu Spreads
Recent study finding: no one.

NY Banks Robbed 4 Times in a Week
One less than their customers.

Morgan Stanley, Hovnanian Big Movers
Cite Feen-A-Mint as cause.

Judge: White House Logs Are Public
Cites 1964 Feen-A-Mint precedent.

Al-Qaida Offers 'Interview' With No. 2
Expresses interest in Feen-A-Mint.

Bush to Visit Israel, West Bank
"I hope it accepts my ATM card," sez Prez.

China Not Cited As Currency Manipulator
Upgraded to "ethics abuser."

NASA Ties Shuttle Gauge Woes to Bad Part
WAMU Wires Butter Gouged Nose to Brad Pitt.

Iraq Complains over Turkey Bombing
Admits that the chicken bazooka is pretty cool, however.

Knicks Fans Rally for Isiah to Be Fired
Please let it be from a chicken bazooka.

Whales May Have Come From Deer-Like Animal
Which explains why whales were almost hunted to extinction for their antlers.

Man Wrestles, Subdues Deer at Maryland Home
Found smothered in baleen.

9 Little Known Christmas Facts

Every kid knows all the items in his stocking came from the $.99 Store, and doesn't want any of it.

No one really knows what Kwanza Kwaanzaa Quonza Kiwanis that stupid made-up holiday is.

By the age of three months, the average American child has seen "A Christmas Story" 47 times.

You will never find the perfect Christmas card, but at least you won't be torturing loved ones with the generic "what we did this year" letter from the family dog.

If you count all the crazed idiot shoppers at the mall, you're one of them.

New Christmas carols suck.

The word marzipan Comes from the German martz, meaning "sweet," and the Danish zippan, meaning "horse turd."

One pound of fruitcake weighs three pounds.

As soon as you pay your Christmas bills, it's Christmas again.

Unfair

All these random shootings lately, at schools, at malls, at a school bus stop here in Sin City. So many innocent people harmed for no good reason. So many diseased individuals with guns.

And they keep missing Oprah!

Maybe It's Fun, But What Does It Mean?

Memes bug me. Partly because it seems so teenagery, partly because it smacks of geek techspeak snobbery, partly because it's a lazy way of putting some tepid ideas or opinions out in public without any real thought or originality, but mostly because the word "meme" is so damned stupid. It's a made up pretentious cutesy bastardette of a word that makes me think of an opera singer's warm up routine: "Me-me-me-me!"

I've been tagged (I think) for a meme by my friend Tiff*. I don't quite understand it, but here's what I think it's all about.

It sounds like a blog pyramid scheme. The theory is that links to your blog from another blog are more important than the existence of your blog. That is, links drive traffic more than content, and allow your e-fart to climb the search engine hierarchy. Or something like that.

Did that sound sarcastic? Yes? Good.

As I understand the rules, I am to tag 5 blogs, four from the list of the the person who tagged me, which includes the tagger's own blog, then add my blog, creating a list of five reading destinations, composed of three entries each. Then I am to tag five more who will continue the chain meme. If you don't you will have bad luck for 3 years. A pastor in Tulsa broke the chain and he lost his congregation, his dog, and his prostate. Sorry, I made that last part up.

So far, it seems most people have asked for votes on which of their posts to include. Screw that. I know which of mine are my favorites, which took the most time and effort, which I believe were most successful in communicating what I intended, or which I just plain enjoyed writing. I chose my own; one philosphical, one personal, and one humorous. I tag the following five people who have not already, to my knowledge, been tagged and who will most likely not care/participate: Bebti, Kom, Shari, Wordnerd, and the blogger formerly known as Nilo.

Here's the pyramid:

One - Speedcat Hollydale Page

Rocket Boy in Hawaii - DC9, Speedcat’s Death Ride into Terror!, The Boy Inside All Men

Two - Terri Terri Quite Contrary

Just How Immature Are We?, Finding a Voice, So Much More to See than the Game

Three - Hidden Mahala

Uncle Huberts Custom Cows, Pray for the Child at Big Lots, The Legend of Saushie's Crotch

Four - No Accent Yet

How am I like Ron Weasley, A Social Experiment, Absolutely Boring Entry 101

Five - Fishing In A Dry Wash

The Lesson of the Window Painter, Daddaw, Deep Donkey

I do this for fun. Yes, ego is a very large part of why I put the pen to the electronic page (did any one EVER write anything without the hope that someone else would read it?), but the gossip rag Q quotient Hollywoodesque rules of of insular popularity contests ceased to impress me by about age 20.

Did that sound caustic? Yes? Good.

So read the stuff linked here. Especially mine, because it's really great. You might even say legendary. With luck, Fishing In A Dry Wash will become more popular than ever, with at least 26 daily hits and 14 comments from 3 countries. That would make me happy.

Did that sound contradictory? Yes? Good.

*Tiff: Thank you. I really do appreciate it, and value your opinion very much. I also know that you understand the nice guy that hides behind the curmudgeon persona. Just don't tell anybody.

Douchance

Sounds enticing, doesn't it? Like bon jour or bonne chance or Champs Elysees. Sorry. Nothing that exotic. It's Kingfisher shorthand for the chance you are a douche. To wit, the following douche/chance ratios:

Your name is Toby - 2%
Your name is Keith - 2%
Your name is Toby Keith - 98%

Wrestling fan - 67%
NASCAR fan - 87%
Raiders fan - 97%

Favorite movie is anime - 24%
Favorite movie directed by Quentin Tarantino - 64%
Favorite movie stars Chris Tucker - 84%

Jewish - 49%
Christian - 50%
Muslim - 51%

You live on the West Bank - 10%
You distrust banks - 12%
You are Tyra Banks - 92%

Hetero - 80%
Gay - 80%
Celebate - 81%

Chocoholic - 5%
Alcoholic - 79%
Workaholic - 94%

Dog lover - 11%
Cat lover - 21%
Goat lover - 95%

Bilingual - 5%
Bisexual - 69%
Bipolar - 0% or 100%

Goth - 99.7%
Emo - 99.8%
Performance artist - 99.9%

You have a blog - 64%
You post daily on your blog because you think people really care - 65%
You rate people with douchance on your blog - 101%

9.0807b *

9 Places With An Attitude

That No One Gives A Crap About

If They Are Not From There

And That's Why They Have An Attitude

To Try And Prove Otherwise

So The Rest Of Us Continue To Despise Them

And That's Why They Have An Attitude

9. Sicily

8. Pick a NYC burrough

7. Hong Kong

6. Israel

5. New Jersey

4. Florida

3. Quebec

2. France

1. Texas

The Flip Side 9:

No One Not From There Has Anything Bad To Say About You

9. Costa Rica

8. Hawaii

7. Kenya

6. Bermuda

5. Alaska

4. Sweden

3. Australia

2. Iceland

1. Antarctica


* Has anyone else noticed how many place-names start and/or end with "a?"

9.0807a

9 Unpopular Sports Truths

Part I…Dumbass Pseudo-Sport Crap Competitions
- 9. Synchronized swimming
- 8. Motocross
- 7. Figure skating
- 6. NASCAR
- 5. Kickboxing
- 4. Arm wrestling
- 3. Skateboarding
- 2. Cheerleading
- 1. Xtreme anything

Part II…Mildly Entertaining But Really zzzzz Or meh
- 9. Curling
- 8. Billiards
- 7. Televised fishing
- 6. Strong Man competitions
- 5. Golf
- 4. Basketball
- 3. Hockey
- 2. Bowling
- 1. Arena football

Part III…Sports Deserving More Recognition
- 9. Lumberjack competitions
- 8. Horse racing
- 7. Australian Rules Football
- 6. Track and field
- 5. Iditarod
- 4. Archery
- 3. Diving
- 2. Women’s fast-pitch softball
- 1. Sumo

9.0807

9 Favorite Advertising Friends

9. Michelin Man

8. Mrs. Butterworth

7. Elmer the Bull

6. Jolly Green Giant

5. Bazooka Joe

4. Kool Aid Man

3. Bob's Big Boy

2. Mr. Peanut

1. Tony the Tiger

Trust Kingfisher

Never trust:
- a man with a handlebar mustache
- a confused card dealer
- a person who never wears anything other than black
- a young person ordering Jager Bombs
- a barfly with implants

- a male over 12 wearing his baseball cap backwards
- a financially successful pastor

- a cocky cop
- a handsome college professsor
- the person everyone else says is really smart

- a woman who won't tell you her age
- a businessman with a giant cowboy hat
- that jerk with a high clearance 4WD truck, doors 3 feet off the ground, but no mud stains

- a chick with a pierced eyebrow

- anyone with more than 4 tattooes
- that S.O.B. you just don't trust for no specific reason, especially if he has a big truck, 5 tattooes, a backwards baseball cap, a handlebar mustache, and drinks Jager Bombs

Sometimes trust:
- your gut
- your mother
- your dog
- a child's answer
- Grandpa's advice
- your barber
- the bartender

- your enemy
- probability
- a stripper

Always trust:
-
-
-

9 Reincarnated

It used to be called The Nine. Yahoo and others stole my idea, but they got law talkin' guys, I don't.

I like the number 9. Why?

- 10 is so 1990's Letterman.
- 3 is a lucky number. 3 x 3 = 9. Triple lucky.
- 9 is the first odd non-prime.
- I grew up in a family of 6. 6 upside down is 9.
- 9 / 3 = 3. I am first born. 3 + 1 = 4. 4 petals on the California poppy. The California poppy is orange. Orange is my favorite color.
- Three nines downside up is 666, the sign of my Master.
- There are 5 people in my household. I am the oldest of 4 brothers. 5 + 4 = 9.
- Okay, it's all bullshit. I like 9. No reason. Bite me.

Therefore, I present the reincarnation of my favorite number.

9 Bad Things About Me

9. I am not sure that protecting the mentally, physically, or socially impaired is in the best interest of our species.

8. I wish there was a monthly mandatory All Women Go Topless day.

7. Driver's license. Business license. Medical license. Where is the Parenting license?

6. I judge people by a combination of their courtesy, affability, ethnicity, and command of the English language.

5. I'd rather talk my way out of a fight. But push me too far, and I am capable of teaching you the meaning of "seeing red." I have no reservations about wounding, maiming, or killing, including myself, when my rage is unduly provoked.

4. I say I don't care, but I really do.

3. I have had the hots for female cartoon characters. See: Jessica Rabbit and the e-surance chick.

2. I can hold a grudge for a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time.

1. If a weapon existed that would erase humans, and any trace of their existence, without harming anything else, I would use it. Without thought. Without hesitation.


Obligatory tags: my Favorite Fishing Holes at the left.

You may not change the subject, for 9 is sacred. Or profane. I'm not sure which.

Subjected To Spam

I know spammers use weird subject lines to smuggle their messages through filters, but do they really think I'm going to be interested in the non-sequitor result, or not see it as spam from 15 light years away? I must admit, though, I am sometimes intrigued. Here are a few random e-spams I received lately, and how I might respond.

No Name 584590627 X 650
Not only do you not have my name, but you got my social security number wrong. What’s with the binocular focal length?

We selling branded watches
Me ignoring sale try. But me report you to PETA for crueling watches.

With go acampo
No time for acamping. I am going aboating this weekend, though.

For Lighty
Sorry, don’t know who that is. But he sounds gay. BTW, if you remove the “or” you get “flighty.” Kind of like “by night.”

Go till lampasas
I can go till about 2 a.m., then I’m pooped. And kiss my lampasas.

A grimesland is chesnee
Yes. Yes he is.

re:Healthy life is your dream?
Re: Merrily, merrily, merrily.

ƒAƒiƒ^‚ɐç‰À‚³‚ñ‚©‚犮‘SFree‚Ì‘ål‚̏µ‘Ò...
I don’t know what you want, but cussing at me ain’t gonna help.

Merry Christmas
And a Happy May Hannukah to you!

URGENT RESPONDS
Urgent responds to what?

Is which corriganville
I dunno. But Wrongwaytown is thataway --->

Drugs worldwide at low price
Thanks, but I really don’t want to travel that far for aspirin and prozac.

I branchville he novato
Me Tarzan, you Jane.

There’s A Game In There Somewhere

JAMES BROWN: Welcome to "Today’s NFL" on the Wolf Network. We’ve got an exciting line-up of games for you today.

HOWIE LONG: I want to kick Jimmy Kimmel’s ass. Look at my hair. It’s awesome.

TERRY BRADSHAW: I’ve got a possum in my pants! Hee hee hee!

JOHN MADDEN: Have you ever had a McWhopJack? It’s a Big Mac stuffed in a in a in a in a a a a Whopper stuffed in a Jumbo Jack! I’m tellin’ ya…

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: To – day – is – Sun – day.

JAMES BROWN: Next we have commentary on this afternoon’s games.

CHRIS BERMAN: The Atlanta Kittyhawks defense could GO. ALL. THE. WAY. against the Cleveland UPS Shirts.

JIMMY JOHNSON: I used to coach the Dallas Cowpats.

DEION SANDERS: Look at this hat. It be stylin’, and Prime Time makes it look good!

HOWIE LONG: Rear end tackle LaDanielShwann Washingsmithstein lost his father in a tragic accident last week. Fortunately, he can take comfort in the awesomeness of my hair.

JAMES BROWN: All right, guys. Your thoughts on today’s game?

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: I – am – talk – ing – a – bout – foot – ball - right – now.

JOHN MADDEN: One time we had a a a a had a this time in Detroit we stopped my bus to get somethin’ to a a a eat and we a a a Ever had a Polish doglink? It’s a hot dog stuffed in a hot link stuffed in a a a in a Polish sausage!

JIMMY JOHNSON: We used to have those when I coached the Dallas Cowpats.

DEION SANDERS: I move my hands when I talk. It shows off the tapered sleeves of this outta sight $65,000 mohair trench coat. Yo.

TERRY BRADSHAW: I wrassled a raccoon yesterday! Hoo hoo hoo!

CHRIS BERMAN: I want to GO. ALL. THE. WAY. with the Denver Paintedponies cheerleaders.

JAMES BROWN: Does anyone have anything to say about football?

JIMMY JOHNSON: When I coached the Dallas Cowpats I liked the blue jerseys best.

DEION SANDERS: I just changed outfits. Check this out! Custom tailored arctic neon eel double breasted okapi pinstripe suit. Prime Time shines, baby! Word.

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: Who – ever – scores – the – most – touch – downs – in – to – day’s – game – has – a – good – chance – of – win – ning.

TERRY BRADSHAW: I played tag with hogs this morning! Haa haa haa!

JOHN MADDEN: Look at this guy’s uniform. See this this this this stuff that looks like blood? It’s ketchup. And this muddy stuff on his knees? Barbecue sauce. And and and and a a and a and and this grassy stuff on his shoulder pads? Pesto. Ever had a roast stickpizz? It’s a pizza stuffed in a a a a stuffed in a drumstick stuffed in a pot roast.

CHRIS BERMAN: The salary cap of the San Francisco 86ers could GO. ALL. THE. WAY. against the insurance premiums of the Green Bay Containerstuffers.

JAMES BROWN: Okay, forget football. Does anyone have anything at all intelligent to say?

HOWIE LONG: No. But my awesome hair will kick any team’s ass.

JIMMY JOHNSON: No. Dallas Cowpats.

JOHN MADDEN: Ever had a had a Ever had a humpback threshersword? It’s a swordfish stuffed in a shark stuffed in a whale!

CHRIS BERMAN: *fart*

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: N – n – n – n – o – o – o – o.

TERRY BRADSHAW: Let’s go cow tipping! Haa hee hoo!

DEION SANDERS: You can see my smile from the moon. True.

JAMES BROWN: You guys suck. I quit.

The Nine, September 2005

…..Suggested Union Slogans That Cut Through The Crap (in honor of Labor Day).

9. You have an IQ of 68. You don’t know a credit from a contract. You have unresolved anger issues. Join a Union and tell the CEO what to do!

8. Tired of being an unacknowledged bitcher complainer? Join a Union!

7. Unions – slacking on the job for over 70 years!

6. U.N.I.O.N.! Unifying No-talents, Imbeciles, Opressors, and Ne'er-do-wells!

5. Why work? Join a Union!

4. Women! Join a Union! And hold a double sided Stop/Slow sign!

3. High school dropout? You too can earn $50 an hour!

2. Honor Labor! By observing a ten hour moment of silence every working day!

1. Tired of propaganda and politics that take advantage of the working man? Join a Union!

(Side Note: To paraphrase a comment I read years ago: "Many cars sport pro-union bumper stickers. I will support the unions' right to exist when I can plaster an anti-union bumper sticker without getting my ass kicked or my car keyed in the parking lot." 'Nuff said.)

Are We Really This Stupid?

Actual product label warnings:

“Not for human consumption” – from a bottle of rat poison
(Damn. There goes my plans for spouse-icide.)

“May cause drowsiness. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.” – from children’s cough medicine label
(Junior! Park the bulldozer. Time for your 8:00 dose.)

“Ignite away from face.” – from a disposable lighter
(Guess I’ll have to start putting cigarettes in my ass first.)

“May contain nuts.” – from a jar of peanut butter
(Is this a gay lottery? “Shit, Lance, this one didn’t have any nuts!”)

“For indoor or outdoor use only.” - from a package of Christmas lights.
(I’ll remember that next time I celebrate the holidays in hyperspace.)

“No activation required. Call toll-free number to activate.” – from cellphone instructions
(Everything I say is a lie. I am lying. So that means I’m telling the truth. But it cannot be the truth because everything I say is a lie….Help!) (Yes, S., I ripped off Harry Mudd.)

“Remove aluminum wrapper before insertion.” - from suppository instructions
(Honey, bring the aquarium net! I’m crappin’ a gold mine!)

“Not intended for highway use.” – from a wheelbarrow
(Buford, better take that Cessna engine offa the go-cart.)

“Do not reuse bottle to store beverages.” – from bottle of drain cleaner
(Contact me for investment opportunity. Cornering the market on laxatives.)

“This product can burn eyes.” – from a curling iron
(Is there some kind of weird Jedi initiation going on in the girls’ locker room?)

“Not responsible for broken teeth.” – from a caramel apple
(Crap. All those Halloween get-rich-quick schemes down the drain.)

“For use on animals only.” – from an electric cattle prod
(Can I consider my couch in the driveway dog barking at 2:00 a.m. four broken cars neighbor an animal?)

“Warning: May contain small parts.” - from a Frisbee
(Undoubtedly aimed at Steve Tyler and Julia Roberts.)

“Not for infants.” – from a bottle of vodka
(Slap a nipple on it. I’ll drink it.)

“If swallowed, seek medical attention immediately.” – from a pack of alkaline batteries
(No, honey. Leave the vibrator. You’re so full of energy tonight!)

“Safe for children or pets.” – from instructions for toilet bowl cleaner
(Daddy, will it bring Goldy back?)

You Think You've Got Summer?

I live in one of the driest and hottest areas in North America. It’s not bragging, or one-upmanship, it’s simply the truth. But some people just have to top you no matter what. I was on the phone with a midwest colleague a few weeks ago, and she asked “How’s the weather out there?” I replied it was hot already, 105 or more. I braced myself for the inevitable response: “Well, at least it’s a dry heat. You should try our humidity.” My teeth clenched. The other one I always hear is “Yeah, well you should try winter in Buffalo.” Point taken, but we were discussing summer, bonehead.

Everyone lives with something unpleasant climate-wise; blizzards, earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, what have you. I spent most of my life with earthquakes that would make anyone east or south of Sacramento wet their pants. I’ve lived in 90 degree heat with 8 billion percent humidity and mosquitoes the size of clipper ships. I’ve visited any number of places in less than ideal conditions. So don’t talk to me about heat.

All of the following is absolutely true. I’m not making any of it up. There are a handful of towns and cities of appreciable size I would agree can match our heat. But damn few. The rest of you can take your precious humidity and stick it.

My fish pond has actually lowered by three inches in one day. With no leaks. In the shade.

It’s not unusual to start my car, get out, and wait a few minutes for the air conditioning to kick in so I can touch the steering wheel without virtually burning my hands. Even then I might drive with two fingers for a while. During the depression, many construction companies issued gloves to their truck drivers in the summer.

Take it from me and a lot of transplanted east-coasters: 95 degrees with humidity is kindergarten compared to 123, no matter how dry.

I’ve made sun tea in ten minutes.

You can get sunburned in less than twenty minutes. And that’s if your skin is already acclimated to it.

Even the hardiest cactus in my backyard needs water twice a month in August.

It has been 105 at midnight.

Buzzards don’t live here.

One of the definitions of a desert is any region which receives less than ten inches of rainfall annually. We average four or less.

The ten year warranty on my above ground pool lining didn’t last three years.

When the sprinklers go on early in the morning, every bird within three states takes a bath on my front lawn.

The ground temperature in the rocks in my backyard can exceed 130-140. Even lizards and snakes go underground.

When the desert winds kick in at 40 mph or more in 120+ heat, newly planted flowers will die in less than 2 hours.

And, yes, we do get humidity. You think 90 is bad? Try a cooling trend from 122 to 118 during the August monsoon season with 80% humidity.

There are T-shirts in every souvenir shop with drawings of cow skulls and vulture skeletons. The caption is “At least it’s a DRY heat.”